Part 3: How to be successfully attuned to your child
Parents succeed at being attuned when they listen, reflect their child’s ideas and thinking, and understanding that by accepting the messages of their child or teen, they foster attunement and support for their child’s development.
This does not mean letting go of values and principles. Parenting is all about these things, primarily: safety, treating others well, and working towards personal goals.
This also does not mean parents need to continually hover over their growing children. The goal of parenting is for a child to be able to function independently of us — and able to engage in meaningful and reciprocal relationships with others.
It is about allowing your child the opportunity to express and work with their thoughts, ideas, and beliefs knowing they are cared for, accepted, and supported regardless.
A child who grows up with an attuned parent is much less likely to rebel against family values and principles. The child feels supported in their self-development journey without the fear of rejection or disappointment that might cause them to detach from their parents.
By being attuned to your child, the gain can be tremendous. Attunement actually fosters the development of the family belief system in the developing child over the long run. So give attunement a whirl.
If you’re not sure you’re on the right track with attunement, I can help.
Part 2: Attunement and acceptance as your child grows
In Part 1, I gave an overview of “attunement” and how it relates to infants and parents. Today, I’ll be look at attunement as your child grows.
For the grade school child, attunement is being able to consistently attend to them, in moments when they are in sync, and in moments when they are out of sync.
Attunement is not based on anger, frustration, or helplessness on the part of the parent. It is open, authentic, and accepting of the child. It is not based on the parent’s preoccupation with their self or desires for their child. It is also not built on children needing to earn parental recognition. It is the parent’s ability to recognize who the child is outside of the parent, not who parent wants them to be. It is the parent working and accepting the developmental “place” of the child in that moment.
Effective attunement happens when parents express love and care for their child, and communicate in a manner that recognizes the child. It means eliminating sarcasm, criticism, ridicule, contempt, and things like lecturing. Being attuned with your child encourages them to talk and share.
Barry Seigel, MD, states that a mindful parent is present, attuned, resonant, and trusting (P.A.R.T.)
Stay tuned for Part 3: How to be successfully attuned to your child…
Part 1: Attunement
What it is and how does it affect my child?
The Webster definition for attunement is to bring into harmony. Many people identify “attunement” as the bonding aspect of parenting a child. It begins in infancy and continues through a child’s development. It is a term used to describe a parent’s ability to notice and respond to the needs of their child.
Attunement starts at birth. With babies who have a gentle temperament, attunement can be easy. For other babies, it can be harder. Either way, we do our best as new parents to be attuned to who our babies are and what they need.
Our ability to be attuned is of course impacted by a parent’s own self: the timing and ability of the parent to be available, and to correctly perceive the needs of the child in a manner that creates a positive response from the baby.
It is a symbiotic relationship built on parents being available to perceive the needs of the infant — and the infant being able to receive this, and join with the parent.
Attunement happens during times of pleasure as well as times of upset.
Much of infant and toddler attunement is based on non-verbal cuing, sensing needs, anticipating, and showing compassion and empathy. Babies understand a lot – even without the verbal ability to express themselves. Babies sense you: your interest, your joy, your frustration, your availability, your heartbeat, and the warmth in your touch. All of this is unique to the developing baby.
As the baby grows, it continues to thrive on attunement. Each child has their own rhythm, their own way of being. A parents’ job is being able to interpret the physiological and socio-emotional aspects of their growing baby. While research doesn’t talk about it much, this means staying in sync with a child into adulthood.
Why is attunement so important? Because it helps our children function independently, healthily, and meaningfully in their lives and relationships.
Stay tuned for Part 2: Attunement and acceptance…
Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love
Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love: Relationship Repair in a Flash by Psy. D., Nancy Dreyfus
